I struggle with giving it up

A lot of my friends probably have no idea, or would call me a fool, but I've come to the realization that I am not in charge of anything

I do make conscious choices, I am responsible for my own actions, but how am I here? Who created me? Is my life just happening, is it pre-determined?  Is it one of those pick-your-own adventure story books?

I really need my blue like jazz book, that book seriously helped me a lot with my struggles.

I struggle with God, I struggle with realizing that there is a God who created me, and who knows me better than I know myself.  I often shut people out, I do not like letting people really know anything about me, what they see is what they get.  I definitely have walls, and somehow I just realized it, even though my sisters have been hitting me with that for years.

Apparently I'm very stubborn

The basic thing I have come to realize is this, something had to create this universe, I do not believe that a little atom just exploded.  I believe in the one true God, the holy spirit, the dude who lifted up his cross and told us to follow him.

I do not love enough, or give enough, but I pray that God makes me bolder every day I live through him.

I struggle with it giving up

but God is always there

Jason

This is it.

I have succumbed to the world of blogging, I believe it is time to pop the cork and then drink to my death.

Or health, whichever sounds more dramatic

I am not sure where this will go, or why I even signed up for this.  Not many will read this, and those who do will find it pointless, random, and offbeat. 

Let me give you some background info on me before you read this.  I sometimes want people to hear my story and slap me for telling them it, I've always thought I deserved a good slap now and then.

I was born a twin, I remain a twin.  My twin is probably my best friend, I would really never admit this to her because I like to appear tough and act like I don't need her love, but my baby sister is truly amazing.

My oldest sister is cool, I admire her, detest her, but damn do I love her.

My dad is the shit, just don't piss him off, that's my job.

My mom is crazy, and I have to work really hard at loving her, but I pray as I walk to class every morning that God gives me the strength.  My mom is the only one who has ever made me feel like ending it all, but she is also the only who gave me the inspiration to push through when I didn't think I could.

I struggle with girls, I'm either too busy, too closed off, or not interested.  I tend not to give a crap, I'd rather be at the mic than on a date anyways.

I grew up going to church, I thought I was strong, until I came to college.

We'll just say a lot happened in my first two years college, more than you can imagine, and trust me when I say a lot happened.  The only thing I'll ever lie about is my innate fear of boredom.

That was a lie, sometimes I feel like I lie a lot, nothing huge, but I just omit things, or give people the most basic explanations.  Then I compensate and say too much.

So two years of college, I had the reputation most men dream of, until I realized that those men are the most cowardly men of all.  

So I decided to pursue better interests.  I have become more scholarly than I ever have been, and perhaps, more closed off as well.

God is the only one who can rescue me now

I really struggle with God, the whole concept of giving it up, blind faith, and just accepting love. 

Somethings gotta give

Jason